Words from a GbMMS member...
Most of you reading this page are probably experiencing one of the biggest quandaries in your life… being gay/bi, being married, and having children in your “mixed orientation marriage” (MOM). The shame of being both gay and married may end up being a greater shame than being gay itself. There are more uncertainties in your life now than ever before. Many GbMMS members remember the feelings of “My world is being turned on its head.”

For many of us there are issues emerging from places of personal foreclosure (I’m not gay/bi, I’ll be fine in my undisclosed world, my sexual orientation is not important). But if you’re here, than those things are most likely changing. And what appears to be in harms way… your family.  Your inner self is near boiling over in the one hand, and the husband/father is panicking about hurting your loved ones or possible family collapse. I remember diving headstrong into the emotional place of guilt, doubting my morals and values. Guilt can be a bottomless endeavor. You and everyone around you needs help.

You’ve always been gay/bi, in the closet or not, it is who you are… glimpses of that self couldn’t completely be hidden. Your family loves you for many of them. It’s hard to put a positive spin on this. We understand that some relationships may permanently change in your life. But in the future you may be embraced for whom you really are.

So many questions:
     Do I tell my wife and children?
     When, how?
     Will they leave me?
     Should I leave them?
     Do I want to start over as a gay man?
     Will my children hate me?
     Am I using my spouse, am I just afraid to move on?
     WILL ANYONE UNDERSTAND?

Okay, this is the one answer you will find here. Yes someone will understand. We have not been in your exact shoes, but we have an extraordinary many things in common with you. We can’t tell you what will happen next… but YOU will hear all the different journeys we’ve taken. Some have divorced; some have stayed in their marriages (some open marriages, some closed) and everything in-between. Some of our children know each other. We also know about resources for MOM’s. There’s a corresponding support group for straight spouses (not for everyone, but for some).

Holding on to your loved ones, AND YOURSELF… feels like holding sand in your hand. Are there any silver-lining benefits for your family that may come out of all this? It’s possible to develop closer and more genuine relationships with your family. Will they  benefit from the reduction of stress in you from hiding your identity.

DO YOU HAVE SUPPORT?

You don’t have to do this alone. A support system is an invaluable place to turn to for reassurance. Many national and local resources exist on the internet , see our "More Help & Links" . Or if you’re in the Seattle area, right here at the GbMMS meeting… face to face. We speak from our experiences; we do not offer our views of what you should do. Supportive friends, family, and mental health professionals can be so important.

Your wife and kids may need their own supportive resources. You can’t do it all. Be aware that if they’re dealing with their own major concerns, they may not be able to respond constructively to yours. Some family members will need time to deal with this new information, just as it took time for many of us to come to terms with being gay/bi. Any transition will take time

I believe that gay/bi married men do not enter into straight marriage to hurt or manipulate. They are usually very loving men to the women they have married. They are also great, caring fathers.

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